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25 December 2009 @ 02:30 pm
Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal; Have mercy on us.
Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal; Have mercy on us.
Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal; Have mercy on us.

Creator of our great universe,

To those of us who have lost a loved one this year;
Lord, have mercy.

To those of us who might not have enough to eat;
Lord, have mercy.

To those of us who have struggled to find income;
Lord, have mercy.

To those of us experiencing the typical drama;
Lord, have mercy.

To those of us who have no one to enjoy the holidays with or that might feel that they are unloved;
Lord, have mercy.

This year has been hard for many of us. We have gone through a lot of trials, heartache, and losses. But please, help us to remember what we DO have and to be thankful for it, as there are many who are less fortunate than ourselves.

Thank you for allowing us to see today.

Thank you for our health.

Thank you for food and shelter.

Thank you for allowing us to experience the gift of Love--Your very essence-- which manifests itself in many ways. It is the very thing that allows us to bond. It is the very life source within the Earth itself. Help us to continue to share that Love with each other, and to forgive those that have wronged us. Forgiveness is hardest for us sometimes, because there's a lot of pain that comes with doing that.

Please forgive us for the ways we've wronged you, Lord. We disrespect your Creation by polluting it with our refuse, tampering with Nature, and raping the land of its resources to make a quick buck, or to make our lives simpler.

Forgive us for fighting amongst ourselves over silly differences and horrible assumptions.

Forgive us for spreading hate and creating chaos, supposedly in Your Holy Name.

A new year is upon us very soon. Help us to work toward resolving our issues and bettering ourselves.

Please accept my humble prayer in the Holy Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,


With Love, from one of your weird children, Katty
Current Location: Institute, WV USA
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful

So most of you don't know what I've been up to lately, 'cause I've been so damn busy.
Recently, I got a new job--but hold your applause just yet. I'm on an independent contract with this distribution center. Basically, the boss there is teaching me everything there is to know about opening a bona fide retail store. This includes management, training, marketing, merchandise consignment, inventory, taxes, paperwork, and all of that kind of stuff. What do I do in return for this? I have to push our product for about six weeks. I've been there for two weeks now, and I've learned a lot. But there's one thing we disagree on, and that's the marketing part. He says that internet marketing=fail when it comes to this business, so that's why he doesn't give me more time off to work on my internet stuff. I told him that I can sell more product online, given the proper time to set up for real.

In my spare time, I began setting up http://www.kattywampus.com/happycivet to try to help myself out a bit. (I can't afford the store's main domain just yet) I figured that by doing this, not only could I push the product some more, but I could also help some of the people that had these causes that touched my life(More about them at the bottom).

So I learned some software so I could build that store. I marked my stuff up slightly, and promised $7 to one of the charities on my list. Buyer can choose which charity. Even with the markup, the charities would be making more off of the product than I would. But, really, I don't care that much. Me getting a little is better than nothing at all. Plus, I could get my product out the door.

Back to the numbers, though. After about week 4 of my training, for every bottle I sell, I get some fraction of the sales put into a fund that the company has for me. This fund goes toward the cost of my retail location. They will also help me file for an LLC and all that good stuff. I know for a fact that this is all true, and have spoken, briefly, to others that finished this program. I also know that they will advance people quicker if you pick up on the office stuff easily, so it's not 100% sales.

So today, I pleaded my case that I think the sales tactics he's having us use to build up credit are slightly short of shady. Sometimes we sell in no-soliciting areas and stuff. Sometimes we look creepy and run people off. Plus, it's been anywhere between 108-113+ when I've been out this week. I'm too old for this crap, plus I don't know this city too well. The other thing is, I don't trust ANYONE'S driving, and we usually get sent out in groups. So you have all this work, and half the time, people are running away 'cause they think we're pulling some kind of scam. The product is actually quite nice, IMHO, so it's not like it's stuff that no one would use.

Here's one part that really pissed me off about today, though. It was the taunt. "Okay.. well you sell 6 today, and I'll give you credit for 70. Sell 10, and I'll add a sushi dinner."
Yeah, that's quite a big talk, huh? I don't think he thinks I can do it. I also don't think he believes in the power of the internet. I'd love to sell more than 10 tonight, but if I did more, it'd blow him away and the office away. I know I can get numbers like that in no time after I get established.

So here's my pitch to you and the world. Today, if you contact me directly, I will sell you anything on that page I posted (http://www.kattywampus.com/happycivet/html/fragrances.html ) for the at-cost price of $20. If you still want to send proceeds to the charity(ies), send me anything extra that you like, and you have my word that it'll go there.

Shipping charges are:
1 for $5
2 for $7
3-4 for $10
5-6 for $15
7-15 for $20

It will be shipped from the distribution center and will take from 3 days to no more than two weeks, depending on the shipment tonight.

My personal email and paypal address is kattywampus@gmail.com

If you know anyone that would would be interested, please send them my way.
Thanks and pass this along!

The Charity List:

* Ferrets Unlimited, Morphicon's charity impressed me years back when they showed me the lengths they went through to save those animals. I only wish I could have helped them more. (that's why I wasn't mad about that epic video you all heard about)

* Caboodle Ranch made my heart swell when I saw them the first time. The owner of Caboodle Ranch did something wonderful for cats that had every right never to trust humans again. I have always wanted to do something like this, and will when I buy my farm(not rhetorically).

* St. Sophia's Cathedral.. They are an Eastern Orthodox church located in Columbus OH, part of The Church of the East. They renewed my faith when I was ready to give up, and fed me when I was hungry. They taught me a lot of things and did the job that most churches in the US fail at. Not only that, but they continue to feed the hungry in that gang-ridden poor part of Columbus. And they never discriminate--whether or not you're a church member, another religion, race, orientation, etc.
Current Location: All over the internet
Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated
Current Music: http://ice.blackmage.org:8000/nobuyuki.m3u
First off, I'd like to say BOYCOTT BAYER.
Anyway, here's some result of the meeting from yesterday.

http://www.wvpubcast.org/newsarticle.aspx?id=9300 <--this one comes with an MP3 of Maya trying not to cry. My next door neighbor mentions that thing about the [paid off] doctors in the area telling us we are around cigs too much. Then my mom talks about how they basically told her that their money is more important than our lives.

There was one part that got cut out that my mom told me about. It was pretty bad. Basically, the president of the West Virginia State University (which is next to the fence of the plant) was saying something about how it's a "Living Laboratory of Human Relations" (the school's slogan), and that it wants to make sure the students are safe, etc. Then my mom walks up there with a shirt on that says "BAYER LAB RAT" said that it wasn't exactly a living laboratory of human relations, but that we're all lab rats, and they already sent two of their students home to their mothers in boxes following the leak. That's right. TWO people suffocated to death in class, but no one will say officially if that's why. Personally, I remember going to class after they'd have leaks, and the buildings don't air out well at all. One time, I let class nauseated and then walked through a green cloud. I ended up in a cardiac unit for a week. Bayer doesn't care, TBH. But moving on...

http://wowktv.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=57512 <-- Features Maya remembering the last time they blew up two people and why she's scared as hell.

http://blogs.wvgazette.com/watchdog/2009/04/23/rocky-iv-on-bayer-its-an-outrage/<-- This one is of interest because it shows who might have been insta-screwed if that tank had fired off a few feet in a different direction. BTW, most of them felt the actual shockwave that night. It was felt for 10 miles, and a lot of them looked in time to see giant fireballs shooting off into the atmosphere.

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aOnvwuLxlF.Y&refer=home <-- Ooh! This one discusses all the EVIDENCE THEY DESTROYED. Hells yes, Boycott Bayer.

http://wvgazette.com/News/200904230462 <-- Most shocking headline of all! "Investigators: Safety bypasses 'became the norm' at Bayer plant" One reason this one is so EFFED UP is because ...well... it reads like the Bhopal disaster almost exactly. Read that, and then watch this video at 4:18... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0csW97x8d24 Messed up, ain't it?
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: "They Don't Care About Us" - Michael Jackson

Reflections on Institute, WV
You don't know how happy I am that the Powers That Be have decided to send investigators to our village of Institute, WV to try and determine what exactly happened at the Bayer Plant, and what should be done about it.

People were terrorized, endured mental and physical suffering, and died as a result of that horrible incident in August, 2008.  The plant reacted very irresponsibly and refused to properly notify the citizens, emergency response teams, news, and even the EPA. The country was appaled at the destruction and bad behavior caused by Bayer, a company known worldwide for having a name associated with the ease of suffering. 
I am, however, quite angry at the fact that is has taken so long to get this sort of response.  I can't say I've ever been happy to the point of cheering, and angry to the point of feeling my face and body get hot at the exact same time before.
Don't get me wrong--I'm very grateful that the country is taking action against the plant.  But everyone seems to be acting like this is the first time that something like this has happened.  That's what bothers me the most. 
It hurts me that people had to give their lives again in order for someone to look our way.  (By the way, I still haven't heard of any formal apology from the plant to the families of the people that died)  I'd like to share some graphic memories with you at this time.  What's funny is, I've found articles that match up with some of what I remember.
I was a young kid, about 2-4.. this puts us in the very early 1980's.  I can remember waking up in the early morning and hearing all kinds of sounds outside.. the normal stuff you wake up to.  There was the church organ from the Nazarine Church, which is always nice.  Then the sounds of nature.. woodpecker and robin.  Then there were two other sounds I could never quite figure out at first.  Over time I learned that they were the morning dove and the accident alarm at that big plant that's nearby.  The soft toot of the whistle and the rhythmic chimes were not intimidating at all.  We ignored it.  Never associating those sounds with the various scents that wafted overhead and made everyone take a break from their yardwork.
I remember the year was 1984.  The clock wasn't striking 13, but Union Carbide was definitely in the news.  Thousands of people in India had been mamed or killed.  Union Carbide did this?  How can something like this happen?  You mean that place might actually be dangerous?  I remember on TV seeing the greying bodies of brown people like us were heaped in piles along the roads and in open areas. Little babies and old people were screaming in pain.  Women and men cried when people took their relatives' bodies away from them.  Some of them had no eyes.  Wow, we're lucky that nothing like that can happen here.  (See http://www.cbgnetwork.de/2625.html )
What did Union Carbide actually do?  A lot of my friends' dads worked there, and it's right next to our houses, but I don't know what they actually do.  Someone brings a bright orange flyer by our family's duplex.  It said "People Concerned" and there's a pneumonic device--"M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!"  Everyone knows that song, but it was brought up so we'd remember the first three letters, "MIC".  We found out that they make MIC at our Carbide plant, but that it was also what messed up all those people in India.  That was the first time I ever got worried about the plant.  There is something we should definitely be concerned about, but it's probably not going to ever cause us trouble.
There was this one time we were at a reunion at West Virginia State, the college campus that seperates my home from the plant's fenceline, for the most part.  (Well, them and the rehabilitation center) There were a lot of my family and other people from Institute there.  There was a barbecue, and chatting, and general fellowship.  As usual, that funk wafted down over us.  I remember going into one of the buildings to get away from the stink, and all of a sudden, a bunch of people just started vomiting.  I didn't actually lose my lunch, but I sure wanted to.  That was a horrible feeling.  My eyes itched, and so were other people's.  I remember a lot of people got sick and had to go to the hospital, but they didn't actually go to the hospital..  they took them to the Shawnee Park Clubhouse by ambulance.  I saw my aunt K. Lyndall Ferguson on the front page of the newspaper with an oxygen mask on, laying on a stretcher.  Did Carbide have an accident?  (See:  http://www.cbgnetwork.de/2623.html )
Some time later, people marched around with signs and held meetings and rallied the citizens.  This went on for years.  We became more aware of some of the crap that was happening around us.  Like when this parking lot for chemical trucks would wash their truck tanks out and let the chemical runoff pour into my grandmother's yard.  She complained and those men threatened her!  "You wanna find out what happened to Hoffa?"  We marched around with signs again.  I'm not sure what happened with those people...
Some people in the community don't like our sign-marching.  They like the money they make even more.  They still can't fathom that the Great Provider (the plant, not God) would possibly be less than perfect.  How could they possibly be the cause of the alarming number of cancer patients in the community.  They'd NEVER make someone deal with chemical incidents without proper safety.  Those people from Institute, they complain too much.  I remember one of those people(who shall not be named for obvious reasons) came to the home of a faithful sign-marcher(who shall also remain unnamed for those same reasons) and said to her AND I QUOTE:  "I'll be damned if I let the likes of YOU cause me to lose my job!" 
This was not long after our complaining took us somewhere very dark.  You see, we figured out the whistle and bell codes, once we learned that the plant doesn't like reporting the right stuff to the media and authorities.  Yes, we learned this sad fact in the 1980's.  We learned that the chimes would chime a certain number of times, and then be broken by a whistle.  The numbers were in sets of three.  From those numbers, we could determine if someone had an in-plant injury, or if there was a potential hazard to the community.  When we'd hear gas release and/or smell something noxious, we could determine what section of the plant it was in.  So there'd be an incident at the plant.  We'd get sick.  The plant would tell the media, "Oh, it was some harmless stink.  No real chemicals got out, etc" but then our concerned citizens would counter with, "Actually we heard the alarm, and we know it was pesticide."  Then 6 days later, there'd be a news report saying something like, "Actually, that smell wasn't harmless, it was a hazardous gas."  Then we'd ask why they lied.  This process happened many many times.  Finally, they DISABLED the audible alarm system.  Completely.  Somewhere there exists a meeting that was broadcast on the news.  I'm pretty sure Fox News recorded the whole thing.  The plant manager said to us citizens, "Well, if you people want to drop lawsuits on us any time there's a leak, maybe we'll just have to stop telling you when we have one."  As God is my witness, that man threatened us publically that way.
You know, I bet everyone thinks the days of sugar pills and snake oil had long been over.  Hahaha, read more.
After a lot of complaining, we got an "Emergency Access Road".  Supposedly, when we heard a certain emergency alarm, we'd go inside and turn on the TV, and they'd give us instructions on what to do and how to evacuate.  But for some reason, the gates are always locked.  (See http://www.peopleconcernedaboutmic.com/storage/Evacuation%20blocked.JPG )There was also a "Telephone Ringdown" system put into place where if something tragic were to happen at the plant, a bot or an operator would call everyone's phone and tell us what to do.  I guess they forgot that the telephone companies didn't care about us either, and Institute's phone system was made up of remnants of those old party lines.  (It's actually still like that--I've called 911 before and gotten Pizza Hut, Shawnee Hills or other residents..Multiple Times.)  One time there was a leak of some kind, and they activated their high-tech wizardry.  I think 1/3 of affected residents actually were called.  There were complaints that Institute has a high amount of elderly and handicapped residents, and that they should do something for the people that can't drive themselves for an evactuation.  So then they put these "Emergency Evacuation Pick-Up Points" all around Institute.  Supposedly, "If you hear the signal, run out to that bus stop and you'll be picked up by someone from KRT(our public transportation system)".  I am willing to bet you $5000 that if you call KRT and mention that, they're going to ask you what you're talking about or tell you you're crazy.  But the signs are there.  There's one on Washington Street @ Elm and @Dunbar.  There were some around campus, too. 
One time, we had an evactuation drill, and some confused bus driver was driving around..confused.  There's a documentary called "Chemical Valley" by a group called Appalshop that shows this busdriver saying he wouldn't drive here during an emergency.  All of this "protection" is actually propaganda.  Whenever some accident would happen, they'd come up with a new "safety feature" that they would halfway install in order to keep residents from panicking, and appease the media and whoever was supposed to be watching over them.  But whenever the news trucks would go away, they'd abandon whatever plan they had given us in an effort to be "good neighbors."  Speaking of propaganda, had you ever seen that old war film "Duck and Cover" with the turtle?  The one that says if you "Duck and Cover", you'll be okay when the bomb hits?  We were given an obscenely similar mascot called "Wally Wiseguy" in the 90's.  (See http://www.wally.org/ ) It was an anthropomorphic turtle that jumped in his shell during chemical emergencies.  The only thing he did differently than his ancestor was turn on the news and wait for instructions.  Wally was the mascot for the biggest load of crap that the plant has dumped on us.  They call it "Shelter-In-Place".  I'm sure you've read of residents being told to shelter-in-place during the August fiasco.  Well, to be honest, it's really not going to amount to a hill of beans if something worse ever happens.  The blast damaged peoples' homes.  My uncle has a crack across his fireplace from the blast.  My mom and other residents had their plumbing damaged, which cost thousands of dollars worth of related water and mold damages to the homes.  Do you think you're going to be protected from chemicals if there's a big crack in your house? 
Much like "Duck and Cover", that snake oil --Shelter-In-Place, and the Emergency Evacuation Pickup plan is meant to keep everyone calm and collected.  Collected, that is, in neat collection points so the state can find our greying brown bodies in heaps for easy disposal, just like in Bhopal.  We'll all be sealed in with our families at or near our addresses, so identifying us will be simple.  This is a major reason I decided to move away from West Virginia.  (See:  http://sundaygazettemail.com/News/200808290015 )
Well, this collection of my thoughts has gone on..for quite some time.  I could tell so much more.  So, so, much more.  Like about the time I walked through a green cloud and ended up hospitalized due to severe chest pains and unconciousness.  Or those other times people got burned up and died at the plant.  Or about all the diseased neighbors and my dead relatives.  Or the gray "water" near the railroad tracks that mysteriously supports human weight on its surface.  Or the other huge explosions that got overlooked.  But the last thing I want to leave you with is my account of what happened in August.
I was in the area of Phoenix, Arizona on the night of August, 29, 2008.  I got a call from my mother at around 8:15 PM Mountain Time, which equals 11:15 PM Eastern.  She called and told me that the plant blew up, for real this time.  She said they were in the process of fleeing the area and used a sidestreet to avoid being caught in the roadblock they were going to put up.  She told me to call the National Response number and tell them that the Larvin Unit exploded and sent fireballs and a cloud into the air, as well as causing a shockwave that felt like an earthquake.  (Due to fears, however, I will not discuss how she got that information.)  That scared me so very badly.. I hung up and called the National Response number and relayed that information.  National Response Center logged my call at 11:20.  I posted a message on the internet telling people to PLEASE call for help for Institute.  When I called the National Response Center,  I told them what happened, and they kept saying that they didn't have any calls from anyone else.  I told them that they had to send everything they had to Institute, WV because the truth won't get out.  I said they needed to evacuate everyone from the area before the pesticide cloud fell, or something else happened.  They still seemed unsure, but took down what I had to say.  I was having phone trouble, so I ended up calling three times.  All I can remember was begging them to please send anyone--even if it was military because our people in WV wouldn't be able to help and that the plant would try to lie about what was happening.  I called CNN, and they didn't seem to take me seriously.  It was like, they didn't believe me because I wasn't some authority figure, and probably because I was calling from Arizona.  I told them to please try to get help and find out the truth.  They assured me that their experts were working on finding out what actually happened.  I told them that I KNEW what was happening, and that they probably wouldn't find out anything by calling WV.  I told them that I knew what chemical tank exploded, what time, and where.  But they pretty much hung up on me. The best part of this story is when the EPA called me on the phone. It would have been about midnight in WV. A man from the EPA drove to Institute to find out what was going on.  He said it was obvious something happened, but he couldn't get any information from anyone.  He asked me why I called National Response with information on the unit that exploded in the plant before the plant did.  I told him it was because that's how it always happens.  Two hours later, they MIGHT tell you something.(Funny enough, two hours later, the plant admitted there was a problem) The next day, Ken Ward called me for an interview, and I told him the same thing.  It's the same old same old.  They tell us what they want to tell us.  They hide the truth until someone catches them. (See:  http://wvgazette.com/latest/200809040388?page=1&build=cache Note:  if you listen to the MP3 they have linked at the beginning of the article, your blood will boil)
Now, I'm no psychic, but I will now predict the future.  After these investigations are over, they will have found an obscene number of violations.  We will never find out all of them because they'll weasel their way out of talking somehow.  We will find out that there were more chemicals involved than first thought.  We will find out that the danger was always greater than they let on.  Please, if you are someone reading this that can help us, you will prevent the rest happening.. the part where they give us another fake safety plan, they pay someone off to shut us up, they assure everyone they're going to fix the damage and the problems and then they don't.  But mainly, please prevent the part where they have another horrible accident that kills or mames an entire community.  It could be Institute, but it could be anywhere else.  I am scared to see what else is being hidden from us.
I am sending this message to Alison Cassidy, People Concerned About MIC, CBG Network, and various places on the internet.  I will attempt to send this to various government people as well.  I want to send this to anyone that will listen, or wants to hear my story.  If you would like me to tell you more, I can be contacted at kattywampus@gmail.com .  I know this was long, but thank you for reading this to the end.
Katherine D. Davis,
A Concerned Institute Native

(linkable version at http://docs.google.com/View?docID=dg7fh3km_22dx79b3dw&revision=_latest )

04 February 2009 @ 12:32 pm
Just when I thought I'd gotten past the lowest point in my life, this morning happened.
Okay. Yay, I got bills paid (mostly). I had just spent the last of my royalty check on bills yesterday, leaving me $4 to my name. I thought I'd be fine for the rest of the month as far as living expenses are concerned. Got up for school and took a hot shower. Then, something old came back to haunt me.. You might have heard me mention my last apartment was infested with these weird worms, which is one reason I left. I thought I was going to have to throw away all my clothes, (underwear, fursuits, and linens are included) but multiple people convinced me to just wash my clothes a few times with clorox or whatever. Well guess what? In my CLEAN laundry this morning, I go to put on some underwear and they're back. That's right. I have to throw out ALL my damn clothes. I'm typing this naked because I don't wanna put anything on. I'm seriously trying not to cry.

So now.. yes, I'm asking for handouts. In the meantime, I'm gonna ask management to bomb my apartment. If you have any spare clothes, please send. If you note me, I'll send you my mailing address. I'm serious.
I'm a medium sized female, so most clothes I wear are sized M, although I take a large sweatshirt.
My dress size is about 6-9.
My pants size is about 8-12.
My shoe size is women's 8 1/2.

I don't feel comfortable asking for money anymore. Sure, I could do commissions, but I'm really backed up.
If you want to help out a LOT by spending just a few bucks, but don't want to send actual clothes, visit my istockphoto.com page and get a free account. If you use me as a referral and then make a purchase on the site within 3 days, I get a $10 bonus. If you actually purchase something from my portfolio, it helps raise my status on the site, leading to higher royalty payments. My address there is http://www.istockphoto.com/Kattywampus

It might be Arizona, but it's pretty cold with no clothes on.

Hell, while I'm at it, I guess I can spill the rest.
I'm real close to flunking out of school because I have no books. It's gonna cost between $80 and $140 per class, PLUS I still owe my book bill and $70 in tuition from last semester. (I never filled the 100-page sketchbook in time)

I didn't make a damn dime at FC, simply because I didn't know about all the tax things or how their artist's alley works. (I swear I tried looking it up on their site, but it wasn't obvious) So not only did I end up wasting a lot of money there so I could eat, I still owe people that helped me get there. They were counting on my past track record at cons. >.<

I still gotta pay the people looking after my pets.
I still gotta pay the rest of my electric bill.
I still gotta pay my renter's insurance.
I still gotta pay back...a lot of people.
I still gotta find a real vehicle, even if it's just some form of motorbike(which I'm fine with because they're efficient).

Before anyone jumps to conclusions and says I'm not trying, I work my ass off. I'm still looking for work. Just got turned away by Wendy's, Mc Donald's, various local grocery stores, and a slew of graphic design companies.

I'm skipping class today. T.T

I'm tired of saying this, but please pass this note along. Maybe the right person will see it this time.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
11 November 2008 @ 10:24 pm
I seriously don't understand what I did wrong.. or what I'm doing wrong.  Why does random shit keep happening to me?  Not just random, but HORRIBLE random.  Seriously, if not for the sake of my loved ones, I'd have given up already.
I'm sitting here in a nasty infested apartment waiting on them to put me out and change the lock.  Still haven't found work yet.  Even applied at Mc Donald's.  Even got turned away at a titty bar!  Yes, I'm that desperate. . .
Why does no one call me back?  I've got plenty of experience.  Am I doing something wrong?  I figure if I could get a job at Disney, I could get a job bagging groceries somewhere.  I'm a pretty good and dedicated student.  I mean, I walk 3 miles to school every day, sometimes more than once.. I turn in excellent work.  I've got good hygiene.  Well, soon it's not gonna matter if they want to call me back or not, 'cause I can't even afford to keep my damn phone turned on.  If I get this crappy job at Mc Donald's or go on welfare or something, I'm still gonna end up evicted.  Credit is too bad to get a new apartment.  Got bad credit thanks to medical bills.  Got medical bills thanks to careless assholes... T.T
Every time I get settled, something horrible happens and I have to move again.  Every time I move, I have to move again before I finish unpacking.  I seriously have some of the same boxes for over 5 years.  I just put tape on 'em and keep going.  Then I had a "friend" try to help me get back on my feet while I took care of all my problems.  What happens?  I'm out on the streets looking for a place to live before I got over a serious illness.  I find love, and he can't be happy for me.. I get thrown out before my wounds even heal...  I have lost contact with my physicians, and now I'm sick again.  I have medicine, but I can't take it because it causes me to have psychotic episodes.  I mean, I could take it, but I'd rather be sober when going to school or looking for work.  Meanwhile, my colon curses its existance every single day..  WTF Oh I guess it's because I'm back to eating scraps and dollar menu crap.. when I can find a dollar..

Oh, no more dollars!  I went to one too many dollar menus last month, and bounced my checking account!  Damn right.  I had a cheap sloppy rice bowl that is costing me over $100!  And they keep charging me more every day.  I guess the bank didn't send me a notice because I don't have a damn address!!  I didn't change it yet 'cause I don't know where I'm gonna be from one day to the next.  Why in the hell do banks charge the hell out of you like that, when you obviously have no money?  I mean, if you're bouncing your checking account on a damn dollar cheeseburger, what makes them think you can give them $75 the next day?  Assholes.

One of these days, I'm gonna go outside and collapse from exhaustion in the cold.  But no one will come until it's too late.  You know why?  'cause the cops won't even come here.  I pleaded with the police last night to PLEASE come here because my neighbor was beating the living crap out of this girl.  It was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.  I thought he was bludgeoning her face on the railing out there.  Cops NEVER came.  He beat the piss out of her for 10 or more minutes.  I had to hear that.  What if it had been me?  Then what?  Nothing.  'cause that's my luck, just like it was hers.  I don't know what happened.  One of these damn hit and run drivers that make up the driving population of Tucson is gonna take me out on the way to school and nothing will happen.  It'll just be my guts all over, and no one will call anyone.. except the next day when they scrape my guts off the sidewalk, and they call my mom 'cause they found my cellphone (with no time left on it).  Then she'll call the rest of my family and my mate, who'll be devastated.  It's a horrible thought, but this is the kind of stuff going through my mind right now.

Maybe the afterlife will be nice.  Although, I probably did something to screw that up, too.  I'd better not get squashed on the highway, 'cause I'll probably end up in the Hot Place.  As far as I know, I didn't do anything wrong, but I must have for all this crap to be happening.  
Man, it'd be nice to be a spoiled rich kid right now.

Seriously, can't I just admit defeat or something?  Then everything gets reset?  I mean, my never-die attitude has taken me this far, but I'm getting to old to not be getting anywhere in life.  It's like.. I got the skill points to continuously cheat death, but in exchange, I had to take some kind of handicap for good luck or something.  I mean, how is it that there's people who have hit the lottery multiple times, but I can't even get a job and a place to live that's not infested with something?  How many more cities am I gonna move to the ghetto in?  Am I ever gonna get out of school with a diploma?

Shit, I'm tired.  I'm real tired.  But I don't wanna die.  I want to be useful.  What do I do now? 
Current Location: Tucson, Arizona
Current Music: Track 03
17 September 2008 @ 10:00 am
But it's the other kinda lucky.

I guess I need to start rubbing my lucky cat more (:3 ♥♥♥) or something, or maybe I tapped it out last week.  I dunno.  LOL I need to make around $1000 in 14 days, or else. Or else what?  I don't really want to think about it atm.  But man, this snuck up on me. 

Here's what happen this time. >.>
So my school calls me to come in and fill out some paperwork or something.  So I go in and there were some other students there, too.  What they said was we were basically a random selection of students to get some kind of audit, and our financial aid is on hold.  I won't be able to get [b]ANY[/b]of my financial aid until after I file my taxes and fill out a stack of paperwork that is half-related.  I hadn't filed my taxes yet because of the move(s) and the illness that kept me indoors for multiple months.  Before the move(s), I couldn't retrieve all my W2's from my employers for whatever reasons(thanks a lot, Brian...) so I had to wait until May to file anyway.  (You know, you can go to the IRS and get the copies or whatever)

So, lessee...it turns out rent 'n' utilities are actually $550.  Then, my charge at school is gonna also go through on the 1st, which is up to $450 or $460, not sure..
But anyway, $1000.  This also doesn't include any other expenses like food, additional supplies or transportation.  (I'm already walking 2.6 miles to school, and had planned on getting a bus pass--it pours rain and floods here more than you'd think)

My credit sucks many different varieties of balls, so getting an alternative loan is out of the question for the time being.  (As far as I know.. I did apply for one through the school)  I also don't want to take the easy way out and draw pr0ns or dance on a pole.  Although, if a radio station or something wanted to pay me $1000 to streak down this boulevard, I'd probably do it. I'm also not looking for handouts.  I thought about pimping out one of these extra sketchbooks @ $10 a page or something like that, and then auctioning off the final collection since I am required to keep a personal sketchbook for school, but I'm not sure I could pull off getting word around in time.
School is also a bitch.  I mean, I am happy to be truly challenged by people who are in it for reasons other than $'s.  But as proof that they're hardcore, I will be booted out if I miss 3 assignments. 

I dunno.. what do you guys think, seriously?  Advice?  Comments?  Questions?  Answers?
Current Location: At my desk
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Sir Nuts - "High Above The Sky" ( http://sonic2.ocremix.org )
24 July 2008 @ 02:34 pm

I have 1 minute of time to type this:

I am stable.  I am in room 1414 of Banner Estrella hospital in Phoenix, AZ.

Thanks for your thoughts, guys!


23 July 2008 @ 03:31 pm
Let it be known
I was awakened by the worst pain ever.  I called both my doctors twice. One said to call the other.  So I did.  I woke up 30 minutes ago, unsure if I could even stand up.  This is really horrible.  They said if I call an ambulance they'll take me somewhere unknown.  The GI doctor said today that he couldn't help me if I went somewhere random.  My friend is coming to pick me up.   In a meantime, I got a phonecall from Maricopa County health systems.  Yay!  Help!  Wrong.  They asked for $800.  I told this woman...  You help ME.  You're not getting any damn money. YOu left me to die.  I cant even stand up.  You promised I'd get insurance, but here I am.  I went to the emergency room and they sent me home.  Now help me right now!  and she responded with.  "I'll note that in your records, ma'am.  Have a nice day."  I said "I'm not gonna have a nice day.  I want to die!"  She said "OK". 

Let it be known I hate this country's "system".
Current Location: face down on the couch
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: America, Fuck Yeah!
If you ever hear that I died at a fairly early age, here's why.   I've been sick for ages, but it's not some weird disease killing me off.  It's because I live in America, and I can't afford health insurance.  I'm barely able to sit here and type this, but I feel like the world should know about this problem.

My health has been declining at a rapid pace.  I've never before felt that my life was truly in danger until now.  Truth is, I've been bleeding internally since a few weeks ago.  This isn't the first time I've had symptoms like this, but all the other times, it went away.  I can't say how long this recent bout has been going on, 'cause I never know what day it is. But I'm gonna guess it's been 2 months.  I went to one of those Urgent Care places when it got really bad.  I gave them all the money I had, and the doctor saw me.  He was worried that he couldn't help me, so he refunded my money and sent me to the county hospital in the hopes that they would put me on some kind of state Insurance.  What a load of ass it turned out to be.

I saw a doctor at the ER, that requested a female pelvic exam and blood tests.  Weirdest thing, though.. every time they tried to stick me with the needle, I wouldn't bleed.  So I went through a long painful process of being stabbed all over my arms, til they squeezed out a measley squirt of blood.  After screaming in pain for a while, the nurse went to ask the doctor if they had to keep trying, and they said they could stop.  I found out later that all they were doing was giving me a pregnancy test.   CRAP.  I was there for AGES in pain for a damned pregnancy test.  They told me to just follow up with a doctor at their facility in 2 weeks, and sent me home.

The next night, I was in insane amounts of pain, and knew that I couldn't wait two weeks.  So a friend of mine told me to call his doctor's office, 'cause they were really good.  I told them what happened, and they got me in the next day.  This doctor checked me over and got me an appointment with a GI specialist at the end of the next month.  They were trying to wait and see if my insurance was gonna go through.  I called back a couple of days later to say that my pain was worsening by the hour.  My doctor was out of town, so they set me up with a partner.  This doctor was troubled by my symptoms and family history, so she promptly ordered blood tests and some kind of CAT scan for the next day.  I wouldn't have been able to get the CAT scan if I didn't call my aunt and ask for help paying.  I had to make a downpayment of 30% before they would examine me, because I had no insurance.  So $400 later, I got my CAT scan, which showed nothing.

Now, because I had to drink 3 jugs of this barium solution, I kinda got cleaned out, if you know what I mean.  After a day and a half of additional runs (I already had the runs at this point, it was just worse), I realized how much less pain I was in without food inside me.  So I stopped eating.  I stopped eating for almost 3 weeks.  I think during this time is where my head gets cloudy because my new doctor decided to try me out on some last resort pills.  Although, now that I think about it, I was on some already..I musta gotten 'em from the ER..  But anyway, pills.  They take the pain away somewhat, but I still couldn't eat, and they make me hear voices at night.  So being perpetually stoned off of meds still wasn't helping, and she pulled some strings to get me in to see that GI specialist three or so weeks early.  I found out that my original appointment with the specialist wasn't the promised colonoscopy, but a consultation.  ...

I went to see the GI specialist and he took pity on me.  By this time it had been about 3 weeks since I had last eaten a meal.  My friends brought me some yogurt and liquid-type foods, and I started drinking Carnation Instant Breakfast.. I think that's how I got my energy back.  But anyway, he knew I couldn't afford to pay him, so he didn't charge me.  What he attempted to do was get me admitted to the hospital there in a couple of days.  Well, here's what happened with that.

Two days ago on Monday at 8:45 EST, I went to the ER like planned.  I was stoned off my ass from this medicine, and slightly delirious.  I also started getting a lot of nausea from taking 3 different pills.  I told them how sick I'd been the past couple months, and that I was told to return if my symptoms are continuing, and to call my doctor.  (That's what he said to do)  Not only did they refuse to call him, they told me to GTFO after they made me drink some crap for nausea.   They said they can't do the types of exams that I need and to call my doctor to set up an appointment.  ...  So I guess since the pills seemed to be working, and I wasn't in screaming, writhing pain as I had been in past weeks, they weren't worried.  I called my doctor's office to tell them what happened at the ER, and they were shocked.  My doctor got pissed off and called them and told them to admit me to the hospital, and messaged me to tell me to go back immediately.

OK, get some popcorn, 'cause this is the best part of the story.

I went back in the ER and waited until MIDNIGHT.  They told me I couldn't have any water or medicine or anything the whole time because I was gonna get an endoscopy.  WRONG.  At midnight they yanked my IV and told me to go home.   So they called me a cab and sent me on my way.  After a 20 minute drive of being hit on by the cab driver, I finally got home and ate some food and took pills.  I went to bed, and called the specialist's office the next afternoon to tell them what happened.  They were confused.  Last I heard, the specialist was talking to my doctor to figure out what to do.  I was told I'd hear something by Thursday.  So after a few hours of waiting around, that's when the pain returned.  Except it was in a new part of my back as well as lower on my front.  I layed on the couch for  a while.  Got up occasionally to check messages, but then I started hurting again.  I spent the rest of the night on the verge of tears and wincing in pain.  That brings us to this morning. 

This morning I feel so bad that I honestly don't know how long I can go on.  I called both doctors' offices and let them know.   It feels like my organs are being crushed, and it hurts me to sit up.  I feel like I have a couple of knives in my back, and I'm nauseous.  My head hurts and I'm still on the verge of tears.  I'm extremely depressed.  Writing this entry was a long, trying process.  I honestly feel like I don't know how long I'm gonna last.

I'm not afraid of death, and although I'm pretty unlucky, I've had a good life and I've gotten to do a lot of things that other people haven't done.  I won my first art contest when I was 5.  Published my first essay when I was 7, resulting in an article about me in the Congressional Records which was placed by my senators, and getting invited to the White House.  I've traveled all across the US, and have gotten to visit Japan.  (I won a drinking contest against an elderly Japanese challenger!  :3)  I've been to all kinds of conventions from anime to furry to sci-fi, and even GDC and E3.  I went to art school.  I've met a lot of celebrities and a lot of friends...  I experienced true love.  I've had amazing religious experiences.  I've represented large corporations, and also fought against their evils.  I had an award-winning radio show.  I got to operate my very favorite rollercoaster.  .. I could keep going.

Yeah, it's senseless that my adventures could end now.  And over what?  Money.   That's what it always boils down to.   I mean, seriously, compared to a lot of people, I've had an awesome life.  So I can't complain about  not getting to hang around longer.   The only thing that troubles me about dying is I want to spend more time with my loved ones.  But if God wants me to come home, then I can't argue.  Then again, if God wants me to come home, he coulda just done it a lot quicker.  Which leaves me to believe that actually, I'm just sitting here suffering for no reason other than these doctors can't help me!!  I believe that my doctors tried to help me as much as they could, but I dunno how things work in their world.  However...if I don't hear anything by tomorrow, I'm gonna take drastic measures.  Don't worry, it won't be too stupid.

Feel free to pass this note around to any of your medical professionals, people of power, anyone that can do something about this.  'Cause if it's happened to me, it's happening to a lot of other people that are worse off.  And it's WRONG.   People need to wake up and hear about this B.S.  It's things like this that reinforce my decision to not reproduce.  Freakin' John Q....
Current Location: At home in the desert.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: "American Dream" by Suns of Light